Re-Making Mondays: Intimacy

Image Credit Sodahead.com

Let’s be honest. Very few people enjoy waking up and realizing it is Monday. For many the work week is starting over, the weekend was nowhere near long enough and we could all use a few more hours of sleep. Why not just do away with Mondays altogether and reorganize the week to have more time to spend with loved ones? Well, that would require people to redesign the Julian calendar as well as defy the laws of physics. While in theory realigning the planets and altering orbits and rotations seems like a great idea it would just be easier to make the best of what we have.

A method that may help restore some long lost luster to Monday is a supplement to the end of the week “date night”. Instead of going out and risking a saddening repeat of Friday’s follies; stay in and lose the need to speak. Some advice I have given to couples that feel the passion is fading from their relationship is to communicate without words.

Sound crazy? There is some logic behind it. A game that was discussed in my human sexuality class is called “Two Hands, One Voice”. It is not as sexual as it sounds. It is a massage based game. One person sits with their back to the wall while the other sits between the firsts legs facing away from them. Essentially, the two peoples legs should form a double V.

The first person has the two hands. This person can massage and caress the other person anywhere they choose. This person cannot say anything.

The second person is the voice. While they are not allowed to speak they can make noises to guide the other persons hands and signify what they are enjoying.

Something that might improve the couples enjoyment of this game is to use scented candles and massage oil. Luckily, you can get both in one easy to manage form. Massage oil candles are solid until they are lit. The flame warms the wax and turns it into heated massage oil.  After the candle is put out the oil will re-harden into wax. It also helps that they come in scents such as sugar cookie (I ordered this scent for my display kit and it is amazing).

Happy Monday!

Store Link

Hey Sex Enthusiasts,

Here is a link to my company site. We are in the process of getting a new site setup so the current page is empty. You can click the "Shop online" to enter the store and see what is out there. Feel free to post comments or email me questions about products.

Mapping the terrain

image credit: hchalkley

When picturing human sexuality, it is difficult to separate sexuality from sex. This is where some people find themselves overwhelmed with pornographic images that are too focused for such a general term. Sexuality is all about nuance and variation. So many similar systems of practice and fantasies that are not always easy to distinguish from one another. These differences can be obvious like hand cuffs and whips to very subtle like the difference between balloons and bubble wrap. Everything is so different but, it is all under the banner of sexuality.

The landscape of human sexuality, much like the landscape above, is full of varying shades of similar colors. Where a practice bears more importance to a person that area of their sexual landscape is more pronounced. The area associated with an unused practice may be more concave. A region that pertains to a specific fetish may be a different shade than that of an area that relates to a fantasy. This creates a patchwork of complexity that can be mind boggling. The above image is a breathtaking example of how there is so much variation between to areas in close proximity. Even neighboring plots have distinct differences.

No two people have the exact same sexual landscapes. They can only hope that they have enough similarity for a complementary relationship. Over time the landscapes may change. It may be eroded by the winds of peer pressure or the changing weather of curiosity.

Make it Sparkle

There seems to be a rather interesting investment in items that sparkle in this culture. From the shiny car that costs more than a house in the Hamptons to the shimmering rhinestone bellybutton barbell the sparkle fetish is in full swing. A little bit of shine here or there is not a bad thing but, there are those that take it just a little further.

The most “interesting” trend to cross my path was vajazzling, the practice of securing rhinestones to the lower abdomen and genital areas with some form of glue.  Wow! I would love to sit down for a cup of coffee with the brilliant minds that came up with gluing (eyelash glue, latex or spirit gum) sparkles to their genitals.  I believe I would be able to die happy after that.

Vajazzling.com actually said, “Don't worry ladies. You don't put rhinestones right on your labia. They're glued to the pubic area; more specifically the vulva.” (There are no words.) I may be a little out of touch with the female anatomy but last I checked the vulva included the labia.

If this is something that interests someone then they should do their research and more power to them. A famous vajazzler blazing a trail for the public is Jennifer Love Hewitt. There is even a website that explains how to vajazzle like her.  

As with any form of body modification; research is key. Personally, I just have piercings (none below my neck line). Before I was willing to let someone stab me with sizeable, hallow needle I needed to get to know them first. Maybe see if I could get a free dinner out of it.

Much like vajazzling, there is a trend of genital piercing.  While men generally stick with the Prince Albert (a piercing that goes through the urethra in the glans and a thin area of skin under the frenulum), women have more options depending on if they wish to pierce the external or internal skin.

 I discussed this topic with my piercer Noel U. and she pointed out aftercare for some genital piercing is different than for others. Talk with the piercer, or read the vajazzling instructions, before you make a decision. Before you do anything that leaves a mark on your body, think about it.

Product Play: For Added Flavor

Let’s be honest. No one is peaches and sunshine all the time. Whether they have a sour attitude of a bitter taste romance can easily be squelched by these turn offs. The attitude cannot always be helped but flavored edible products can perk up the situation. It also helps that some of the products sold on the market can be multi-purpose.

Nipple Nibbler, while having an interesting name, is a gentle, edible stimulator. It is a thick gel that when applied gives a tingling sensation. This sensation increases blood flood to the area where it is used. Personally, I have found this product to be an effective substitute for chapstick. Nipple Nibbler also acts as a lip plumper.  It comes in a tub that will last for a significant amount of time.

For those that might feel awkward carrying a tub of Nipple Nibbler around there is Nipplicious which comes in a container that looks like standard chapstick. This makes for much more discrete use.

Both come in a variety of flavors to choose from.

The effectiveness of this product depends on the sensitivity of the user. I have never come across a “bad batch” but, there are people that require stronger products for the same result.

Bonus tip #1: This product can be used any place on the body that has sensitive nerves. The tingling can last for a good amount of time.

Bonus tip #2: Use either of these products before lipstick application to help retain moisture. These products can help your lips look fuller when used before lipstick application.

Toy Talk: Get on the Ball

In a world of self-improvement and cosmetic surgery there are a lot of attempts to reclaim what is perceived to be lost.  The one that has surfaced within the past few years is the idea of re-virginization. There is a surgery that can actually re-attach the hymen and, by some definitions, make the woman a virgin for the second time. For those that cannot afford to spend thousands of dollars for this procedure there is an alternative.  Ben Wa balls serve as a weight for kegel exercises. Kegels are a way to exercise the pubococcygeus (PC) muscles that run from the abdomen to the buttocks.

Ben Wa Balls add a level of resistance that is similar to the weight training for arms, legs, etc. While the idea of weight training for a vagina may inspire laughter for many there are some serious benefits to the practice. Sorry guys. Strengthening the male PC muscle has to be done without the added resistance of Ben Wa Balls.

Ben Wa Balls come in pairs and are either metal or glass. For women just starting out, I recommend the metal ones. They are rather heavy so it is unlikely that they will get stuck and if they get dropped there is no chance of them breaking. The glass ones are much more aesthetically pleasing (often they have little glass flowers inside the) but, if they get dropped micro-fractures can form and get worse if they are not used carefully.

The best advice I, or anyone that knows what they are talking about, can give people is to take it slow. Just because Ben Wa Balls come in pairs does not mean that they need to be used in pairs.

Start out with just using the PC muscle to hold one ball in for five minutes. The five minutes is not consecutive.  It is a sequence of alternating periods of squeezing for a few seconds then relaxing for a few seconds. The goal is for the sequence to last five minutes. After that becomes easy the goal is increased to 15 minutes, then 30 and finally 45. Once a person gets comfortable doing the exercise for 45 minutes then the second ball is added and the time is reset to five minute. This entire process is set up to take a few months.

By doing kegel exercises, women strengthening a muscle that is used during sex, giving birth and everyday bodily functions.  This muscle is very important to understand because of all it does. The main benefit that I emphasize is that this is a cheap alternative to the surgical treatment for incontinence.  Regardless of anatomy, as people age there are muscles that weaken with lack of use.  Some exercise now can prevent the need for surgery, or diapers, later.

Just a word of advice… If you are just starting out and take a flight Do Not take the Ben Wa Balls with you. They do set off airport metal detectors. That could lead to an awkward conversation with the bag checkers.

Scent of Foreplay

Well, the force may not be real but pheromones are and they are for sale. Pheromones are a natural part of the human body. While they are not consciously smelled by most their effect can be easily detected. Have you every entered into a period of time where you get a sudden increase in attention from the opposite, or same, sex? You can thank your biology for that.

Pheromone products are very intriguing as well. These products can come in many shapes, sizes and purposes. Some products are designed to go directly on the skin and mix with the oils of the individual while others are intended to act as a pheromone infused Fabreze.

There are few things people should know before buying pheromone products.

Read the label to see if it can go on skin. While pheromones themselves are not skin irritants the additional chemicals may be. You can also ask the salesperson if they know about the product.

Some scents change. There are some products on the market that will actually change scent as it mixes with a person’s skin oils.

Some scents are fixed. There are some fragrances that remain the same in pheromone products depending on the purpose. Body dews/mists  do not always adjust to individual body chemistries.

There are specific places on the body that are best for using pheromone products. These include; wrists, inner elbow, neck, temples and the crown of the head. Points where either the blood vessels are close to the surface of the skin or skin oils are often present.

For those days when a little boost would be a good thing pheromones can help turn some heads.

Watch Your Cover

Safe sex has been the message in the media from the “If you don’t talk to your kids about sex I will,” commercials to the Seinfeld episode with Elaine determining if men are “sponge worthy”. While there are numerous methods of contraception available condoms are sometimes seen as the all-around favorite.  From the antique Three Merry Widows reusable condoms (before the medical field realized that was unhealthy) to the flavored Durex available at most novelty shops this method of birth control is widely accepted.

However, some condoms may be safer than others. During a conversation with Dr. Betty Mooney, Clinical Sexologist who worked with the Kinsey Institute in Bloomington, I was surprised to hear that some condoms can cause problems. Specifically the condoms that are fluorescent or black in color. Mooney explained that the chemicals used to dye the condoms black, or make them glow can actually flake off during sex. These flakes can increase the risk of infection.

In the case of the Glow-in-the-Dark condoms they may be cute and fun during foreplay but, it is much safer to change condoms before E.T. is allowed to phone home.

About This Blog

The idea of a college student writing about sex borders on sociological cliché; of this I am painfully aware. I should take this time to clear up a few details. This is not a sex blog. There will be no fiery tales of the bump and grind posted here.

While I have read several memoirs of people in the sex work industry I am not one of them. I am a college undergraduate that has studied this topic from a number of disciplines over the past five years.

Do I know it all? No. I am more than willing to ask and search for answers if I do not have them.

This is a place for the discussion of human sexuality in a broader sense. I am hoping to have this be a dialogue of sorts, not a soliloquy.

 It is my intention to post information that is meant to look at the various aspects of the sexual experience without the regaling the naughty details.

The posts included here are the result of; questions that people have asked me either through email or in person (how I became the Sue Johanson of campus I do not know), topics brought up in classes over the course of my time in college and my own curiosities about the subject.

Emails and comments are highly encouraged. I welcome constructive feedback and input. I am more than willing to answer questions privately or in a post. There is so much more to sexuality than sex.

Playing Dress-up

Not everyone is Alice falling through a rabbit hole and ending up at a tea party with Johnny Depp but, with some imagination and the right outfits people can come pretty close. Role-playing is one of the first games people play as children. I personally remember my Indiana Jones day climbing through the lilac brushes searching for whatever made-up item I could think of. Somewhere between puberty and adulthood some people forget how to become someone else and feel trapped in their own lives. This is when role playing becomes very handy.

Leg Avenue is a well-known brand among adult novelty store customers, and romance consultants. This company produces a wide variety of costumes for women and men. Yes, they even have age appropriate costumes for children and pets. For the price of a nice dinner in a restaurant without a drive through ladies can become Alice and build their own Wonderland. Johnny Depp not included.

Role Playing is not limited to couples. Whenever someone goes out to a bar they can become a character for the night. Who cares what your day job is? No one at the club is playing enough attention to know if you are lying and you are probably not going to start a relationship right there on the dance floor.  In no way am I saying this should be used for a one-night stand. Role-playing is a way to escape from what is defined as “reality” and create the fantasy of your choosing. Where you go with it from there is up to you.

There is no real need to live in reality all the time. A little fantasy never did that much damage.

Spring Cleaning

Like every other aspect of culture sexuality is subject to fads and trends. Some of these fads are more confusing than others. A while back a friend of mine had sent me an email with what he had deemed to be an embarrassing question. I must have missed classes the day I was declared the Dr. Ruth of the student body. He wanted to know if enemas/colonics were safe. Oddly, enemas have been given a plethora of purposes other than what they were intended for.  I had heard people discuss using them in almost everything from weight loss efforts controlling bodily functions. Considering he and I were both in our early 20s at the time, and he a year or so younger than myself, I felt it would be a bad idea to start using such an awkward device.

To make sure I was not just over-reacting I consulted the University’s nurse practitioner Laura Hieronymus M.S.N. In her email response Hieronymus said, “This is a fairly complicated question.  A lot of it has to do with why the person is doing them?  Have they been constipated for a week and use it to get relief?  That might be a reasonable use.  But any other reasons are not.”

In some circles colonics are advertised as a means to rid the body of toxins but, the body does that on its own. Baring some biological interference this cleaning method is unnecessary. Hieronymus also noted, “Andrew Weil, who is a Harvard trained M.D. and is an alternative healer (He is big, very well thought of) has strongly come out against enemas in healthy people.”

In my opinion, enemas are on the same level as douches. To borrow a phrase from  Mid-west Teen Sex Show, “You wouldn’t date a douche so why use them?”

In both cases, gravity is your friend.  Gravity pulls everything towards the Earth regardless of whether it is in the body or outside of it.  The human body will do its job and gravity will do the rest.

Illusions of Grandeur

This was a rather special day for me. I had intended to just bring in a catalogue for a friend and chat but, I ended up doing a couple consultations as well. In my line of work I get meet to a variety of people. I meet the over-the-top sex crazed 20-somethings that buy products looking for the biggest results/orgasms, the 30-something recently divorced that are not looking for much more than a back-up plan, the seemingly open but actually very prudish and obviously fake people trying to appear "cool" (does that really matter after high school) and so many more types that cannot be categorized.

Due to the fact that I am a college student, the one group I deal with the most is the 20-somethings. These are the people that, if I had no ethical boundaries, I could easily make enough money to pay off my school loans and still have enough to buy a nice hybrid car afterwards. Many of the people that are interested in purchasing toys, and products, from me think that the price tag determines its quality. Not so much. The higher the price does not mean the product is any better than another. In some cases, the $20 difference in price is just because one has buttons and the other uses a dial control. If you do not have severe arthritis and can bend you knuckle enough to spin the little ribbed wheel then I am likely to suggest you buy the cheaper option.

In another consultation, I found out that it is so hard not to smile when someone is buying their very first toy and they want to buy the largest item in stock. Really? You want the "iVibe Deluxe" for your first toy? The salesperson in my head says, "If that's what they want then sell it to them." The safe sex advocate in me says, "Tell them about the Bullet Buddies first." There is no reason to spend that much money on something that you could hurt yourself with the first time and never use again. That would be a $135 mistake (not including tax or shipping/handling). Buying a deluxe model toy before you know your comfort level is like doing flips off the diving board before you are taught where to stand. You make one wrong move and you can crack you head on the broad before you get off the ladder.