Types vs "Chasing"

Metros. Jocks and bears Oh my… It is a tacky way to start but here I go. Sexuality is a complex and dynamic concept. If you disagree then perhaps revisiting my Sexual Landscape post. I base this conclusion on the existence of “types”. No two people have exactly the same type. For those of you that are unclear what I mean by type I will clarify…

A type refers to a set of physical and personality characteristics that are found desirable by a person. This is a basis for the “Tall, dark and handsome” icon.  In order for someone to be categorized as someone else’s “type” they need to possess some, or all, of the characteristics. The ideas of types, and what they are, tend to be very dynamic.  Having a “type” is not to be confused with being a “chaser” or taking “-izer” on the end of a word.

A “chaser” is someone that fetishizes a group of people based on a set of characteristics. There are chasers for almost every group out there. I actually found out one of my exes was a chubby chaser. Needless to say that relationship, and my self-esteem, did not last long after that.

Being an “izer”, sometimes considered users, is similar to being a chaser. “Izers”, such as modelizers and womanizers, will fetishize a population and use members of that population as a status symbol. Both “izers” and chasers can end up doing emotional damage to the people they date.

If you should "look before you leap" then learning before you date is just as wise.

Inter-Racial Dating

Relationships are a lot of work not matter what the after-school specials make them look like. Often it can feel like a prolonged negotiation. These negotiations get even more difficult when those involved come from vastly different backgrounds. Through my random readings I have found race to be more of a relationship issue that I ever thought it was.

 This may sound a little odd and probably make me seem more “out there” than usual but here it goes. Growing up in the “Middle of Nowhere” Midwest the idea of “race” was never something that crossed my mind. Living in my neck of the woods there is a diverse population of people from all over the cultural spectrum. Now I am not sure if it I was “sheltered” or just oblivious but, I never looked at a person and saw them as being different from me.

When I was a kid, my family moved one city over from a diverse area to Indiana’s equivalent of Mayberry. I went from being around people of all shapes, sizes, and shades of brown (there is no such thing as a “white” person unless they are considered Albino and that is another story) to a lot of kids that looked like me. It was very, very boring.

It was not until high school that I had actually been told there were different races. I didn’t start to get a feel for what “race” was until college. Yes, I am kind of slow at times. Oddly enough, I didn’t start taking classes that studied race until after I had broken up with my second non-Caucasian boyfriend.  I went off on a research bender to try and understand inter-racial relationships. I was stunned at some of the, for lack of a better word, crap that is in circulation. 

Old racial stereotypes are still being used to define groups and determine their “date-ability”. Let us think about this for a minute… If these stereotypes were not true when they were in common use why would they be any truer now? The answer… There is no validity to any of it.

A few years ago I found a YouTube posting about inter-racial dating called The Other White Meat. This was the first time I had heard a perspective like this. While I, personally, do not like being lumped into the same category as Porky Pig and Foghorn Leghorn It was interesting.

Dating is a voluntary act. Choosing a person to date is up to the individual but having all the facts first, and deciding based on the individual rather that the characteristic, makes you more date-able.

Re-Making Monday: Play with it

Last week I got caught up on early seasons of one of my favorite television series, Big Bang Theory, and came across an episode that got me thinking. In the Episode two characters were in the active stages of making out when the male character said something so stupid that it stopped the sexual experience before it could start.

For the audience it was hilarious but for the characters it was like taking a fire extinguisher to a candle flame. Has this happened to you? You are getting intimate with someone and they, or you, let something slip out that kills the mood. For many people the answer is a reluctant yes.

If the “mood” is killed that easily the sex is being taken too seriously.  Say it with me – ridiculous. This is not some pointless spell from a Harry Potter movie. This is a suggestion for future plans. Sex is an activity like any other. Sometimes it is intense and other times it is laughable.

The best thing a person can do is laugh especially when the activities turn sexual. Both laughter and sex cause the release of endorphins, the body’s natural anti-depressants, which elevate enjoyment and pleasure. Together the two can double the endorphins in your brain.

If you are a klutz, like some of us, take the risk and be a klutz. Devise a cartoon-esque fantasy that you incorporate into foreplay. Re-enact scenes from movies or television shows and put your slant on them. Sex does not need to be serious all the time.

Learning to have fun and be able to laugh at the little things can improve the relationship. Leave the seriousness to the big business CEOs that partake in infantilism.

Remaking Monday: Flirty

Image Credit: atech.org



When I try to flirt it looks like something akin to the French film The Dinner Game (Le Diner de Cons). It is hilarious from a distance but embarrassing to take part in. It is much easier for me to flirt with someone that is not in the room (via text message, IM, or E-mail).  That is the foundation for this Remaking Monday post.

To be honest, flirting is a bit of an art form. It requires style, grace and a certain amount of sexuality that is enough to capture interest without going as far as to appear easy. Flirting via technology (Techno Flirting) takes a lot of the stress off. The best thing about this kind of flirting is that someone can attach innuendo to anything. In order to become proficient with techno-flirting I must first explain a very important Sociological principle of sexuality. I call it the “all and nothing” paradox.

Basically, everything is sexual and nothing is sexual. Everything can be interpreted differently and made to have new meanings to different people.

A few thoughts on techno flirting (or flirting in general);

1.       Use phrases that can be interpreted multiple ways – Getting a text that spells out exactly what someone wants to do can read like stereo assembly instructions.  Metaphor, figurative language and hyperbole are the techno flirts best friend.

2.       It is a prequel to physical foreplay- As relationships progress foreplay, or as I class it “Step 1”, is often forgotten. The brain is the biggest sex organ. If a person is not mentally aroused then chances are physical arousal is not going to happen.

3.       All about the improv- For the people of the everyday world flirting is never scripted. In situations where flirting is taking place people need to be able to think on their feet and improvise lines as they go along.

4.       Give them a peek not a show- There is a huge difference between flirtations and sexual advances. Here is another way to look at this… It is better to show cleavage than to go topless. As the cliché goes less is more.

5.       Think before you send- Spell check is your best tool. Aside from the typically abbreviations used in text-speak, spelling is very important. No one is turned on by what they can’t understand.

What are some other tips for flirting? Have you ever gotten a text message that made the sender even more appealing? Let me know by commenting here.

Be sure to stay tuned for more posts and next week’s Remaking Monday.

Product Play: Wet

Friction is a bad thing. No matter what activity is, carpentry not included, friction can cause irritation and discomfort. This is why with sex lubricants are a must. Wet Products are always a good recommendation. Wet makes lubricants for a wide variety of skin types and activities. Never thought skin type played a part in lubricant choice? Think again.

Some lubricants can have chemicals that leave sticky films that feel weird and can cause skin irritation if it is not cleaned within a reasonable amount of time. Wet produces a lot of water-based lubricants which are safer for activities involving penetration. There may be a few silicone-based formulas for specific activities as well.

Wet also produces warming massage lotions and flavored lubricants. There is minimal bitter aftertaste with these products and the water-based ones are easily manageable for your body.

Pick your lubricants wisely. That sounds really funny but, it is serious. Some lubricants, like certain silicone or oil based, can take longer to flush out of your body. There are lubricants that are not condom safe. Read packages and talk to the salesperson/ romance consultant before purchase.

Random Factoid: Never use a silicone-based lubricant with a silicone toy. If the two silicones are not formulated for each other they will end up breaking each other down. This also goes for having multiple silicone toys. Wrap them up individually with non-abrasive fabric. Silk is often recommended.

Toy Talk: Bullet Buddies

With the abundance of toys on the market it can be confusing to figure out what to try. Some of my customers cannot decide between the small plastic vibrator or the queen-sized B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) with the silicone dolphin jumping out of the side.  Choosing a toy, whether you are adding to a collection or buying your first, takes a lot of thought.

People need to consider; cost, size, type of movement (vibration, popping, flicking, oscillating, etc.), the material it is made of and the price. And some people thought it was just a point and click endeavor.

Bullet Buddies are always and nice idea. They are small, silicone bullet toys that can be easily maneuvered to stimulate different spots. The have a smooth surface. They also come in different colors and animal shapes. There is the; Pink Bunny, Blue Dolphin, Purple Bear, Green Worm/Caterpillar, and Red Monkey.

Bullet Buddies are small enough to hide if someone is staying with friends or family and they do not want an embarrassing moment or they are going on a business trip and have limited packing space.

Random Factoid: Have you ever wondered why so many toys have cute faces or animals on them? The companies that import these toys from places like China use these design features to claim them as children’s toy. This is so they can avoid the extra tax of importing adult toys. These toys are never sold to children but, they are brought in under that guise.