Lessons Learned

 I was scrolling through memories on a social media platform that takes up too much of my time some days, we all know that feeling,  when I stumbled across an old post. the post said, "So, as a kid my parents told me that talking about my good qualities to any extent was pride and, therefore, a sin. Even though I have severed any connection to the church, and the religion for that matter, I still cannot speak, or think, positively about myself without feeling highly uncomfortable. Sometimes even sick. This does not help when writing personal statement for grad school."  While grad school is long over and I am figuring out my career path I got to thinking about the things I learned as a kid and how they impact me today. 

Consider this lesson, to talk about my good qualities was considered pride. Not self confidence. Not positive self image. Pride. One of the seven deadly sins. To give some perspective here I grew up in a very confusing household. Both of my parents fell into the emotionally immature category. My mother was, and still is, very religious. My father, and still is, a very negative slur for low income country. Basically, I grew up in an environment with weaponized religion and toxic masculinity. The factors that lead to identity toxicity will be discussed in a later post.

In environments like this it is very common for people to think they can't do anything right. If I spoke highly about myself my mother would preach at me about sin or my dad would think I was challenging his role as "man of the house." Let's just say it was not a safe for a child to grow up. 

 Why am I writing about this? Because for many people in my region of the world, and in my generation, this kind of household was the norm. For the longest time I was a people pleaser in any relationship I was in. I was constantly in fear of the consequences for being myself or stating my opinions. For people pleaser it is very easy to fall into dysfunctional relationships. We are generally worried about regulating other peoples emotions and reactions which tends to leave us on less stable footing. It can be as serious as not being able to say "No," or "stop," when situations become uncomfortable. This can lead to the people pleaser feeling violated. 

What lessons had you learned over the years? How were these lessons taught? Do you still adhere to them?

Remaking Monday: Hygiene

The topic everyone needs but people do not often mention. What do you do if your junk has the funk?  First, everyone has there own smell. This is normal. there are still things to be aware of and pay attention to. The type of smell is very important. While working for a AIDS Services Organization I worked with people that gave sexual health presentations. Two of the slogans that came up were, "If it smells like cologne, leave it alone," and "If it smells like fish, it's a dish." First off.... Ew.

One of my colleagues at the time confessed that she did not like feeling unclean so she used scented products including lotions. For her this was a sign that she was taking care of herself. This got me thinking. Is the use of scented products a bad thing? Not really. It really depends on the kind of scented product and where it is used. If the scented product is coming from the genitals themselves this raises red flags for me. Many scented products are not designed for use there and can lead to irritation or infection. This could signify something being covered up or someone that does not know as much about hygiene as they think. Fragrance on the areas near, but not on, the genitals could just be that person's preference. Pay attention to if there is a smell under the fragrance to be safe. 

If there is an unpleasant odor, like fish,  this is a sign of trich. Trich is a parasitic infection that is treatable. 

Basic hygiene tip #1 - use gentle products on sensitive areas. Harsher chemicals can cause irritation and smells if you over do it.

Hygiene tip #2 - Pay attention. lack of information, or access to false information, are a true epidemic in society. if something makes you uncomfortable it is better to walk away. You don't owe anyone an explanation. 

Story Time: Friends and Enemas

 I should probably start by saying that I am not entirely sure how I became, "that person". You know who I am talking about. The person people go to with questions they are too afraid to ask their friends, but at the same time don't want to admit they know you. I had a "friend", who shall remain nameless, that sent me an email out of nowhere asking me about enemas. He wanted to know about their use and safety. Me, not realizing the downward trajectory of our friendship, was willing to look into the subject. 

Having never used one before, because I personally did not like the idea of them,  chose to ask a colleague of mine that was the nurse practitioner at the university clinic. I simply told her that a friend had asked me and I didn't have enough information. She informed me that often times enemas are used in preparation of anal sex. The overwhelming urge to say "duh" here was implied at the time. She went on to say that the body's processes of elimination generally do not need assistance like that. Unless a legitimate medical professional recommends their use because there is something not working in the system enemas can actually have detrimental effects.

Never mind the amount of time you will spend running to the toilet  waiting for the effect to stop, it is actually not a one and done type scenario for some people, the very act of repeated enemas can tell the muscles in the lower digestive tract to stop working as much. This would make it to where someone would need enemas because they used them too much. 

After emailing this information back to my "friend" we never really spoke again (the potential reason for this to be examined in another post). We have since gone our separate ways and I don't think either of us feel any lose about this fact.  It was how the universe wanted things to go. I guess the moral of this story, if it needs one, is friends come and go, but your body is here to stay. Take care of it.

Baldies and Manscapes and Bears OH MY!

In the early weeks of this blog I had made a post about Vajazzling, the practice of gluing rhinestones and studs to the pubic region. This is not a practice that I personally engage in or condone without consultation (adhesive allergies and skin reaction may occur if not done properly), however, vajazzling is not the only genital modification method out there. Yes, that is right, I am talking about pubic hair maintenance.

Believe it or not the way pubic hair, and body hair in general, is maintained can influence the way the body looks more than people realize. Pubic hair is subject to the same visual aesthetic rules that govern dressing for one’s body type. If you think about it there is some logic to this idea. The less shaped pubic is the less appealing the person may be. This is not a universal constant but a general rule of thumb. There are still those out there that enjoy a “nice bush”.

Think of it like stripes.  The width of the hair growth can acts like a horizontal stripe and can make the hips  and waist look wider. By narrowing the region of hair growth the stripe goes vertical and slims the waist. There are no real “golden rules” for grooming but there are websites with tips. Men can look here. Women can look here. If you do not identify as either look here.

A Few Valuable Resources

Here are a few resources I have found to be by far the most amazing.

Talk Sex with Sue – Nurse for several decades and answering callers questions weekly.  This is why I miss having the Oxygen Channel.

The Guide to Getting it on - Informative and entertaining. I have no words for how fantastic this resource is. Check it out to see all its glory.

More to come…

Product Play: Wet

Friction is a bad thing. No matter what activity is, carpentry not included, friction can cause irritation and discomfort. This is why with sex lubricants are a must. Wet Products are always a good recommendation. Wet makes lubricants for a wide variety of skin types and activities. Never thought skin type played a part in lubricant choice? Think again.

Some lubricants can have chemicals that leave sticky films that feel weird and can cause skin irritation if it is not cleaned within a reasonable amount of time. Wet produces a lot of water-based lubricants which are safer for activities involving penetration. There may be a few silicone-based formulas for specific activities as well.

Wet also produces warming massage lotions and flavored lubricants. There is minimal bitter aftertaste with these products and the water-based ones are easily manageable for your body.

Pick your lubricants wisely. That sounds really funny but, it is serious. Some lubricants, like certain silicone or oil based, can take longer to flush out of your body. There are lubricants that are not condom safe. Read packages and talk to the salesperson/ romance consultant before purchase.

Random Factoid: Never use a silicone-based lubricant with a silicone toy. If the two silicones are not formulated for each other they will end up breaking each other down. This also goes for having multiple silicone toys. Wrap them up individually with non-abrasive fabric. Silk is often recommended.

Watch Your Cover

Safe sex has been the message in the media from the “If you don’t talk to your kids about sex I will,” commercials to the Seinfeld episode with Elaine determining if men are “sponge worthy”. While there are numerous methods of contraception available condoms are sometimes seen as the all-around favorite.  From the antique Three Merry Widows reusable condoms (before the medical field realized that was unhealthy) to the flavored Durex available at most novelty shops this method of birth control is widely accepted.

However, some condoms may be safer than others. During a conversation with Dr. Betty Mooney, Clinical Sexologist who worked with the Kinsey Institute in Bloomington, I was surprised to hear that some condoms can cause problems. Specifically the condoms that are fluorescent or black in color. Mooney explained that the chemicals used to dye the condoms black, or make them glow can actually flake off during sex. These flakes can increase the risk of infection.

In the case of the Glow-in-the-Dark condoms they may be cute and fun during foreplay but, it is much safer to change condoms before E.T. is allowed to phone home.

Spring Cleaning

Like every other aspect of culture sexuality is subject to fads and trends. Some of these fads are more confusing than others. A while back a friend of mine had sent me an email with what he had deemed to be an embarrassing question. I must have missed classes the day I was declared the Dr. Ruth of the student body. He wanted to know if enemas/colonics were safe. Oddly, enemas have been given a plethora of purposes other than what they were intended for.  I had heard people discuss using them in almost everything from weight loss efforts controlling bodily functions. Considering he and I were both in our early 20s at the time, and he a year or so younger than myself, I felt it would be a bad idea to start using such an awkward device.

To make sure I was not just over-reacting I consulted the University’s nurse practitioner Laura Hieronymus M.S.N. In her email response Hieronymus said, “This is a fairly complicated question.  A lot of it has to do with why the person is doing them?  Have they been constipated for a week and use it to get relief?  That might be a reasonable use.  But any other reasons are not.”

In some circles colonics are advertised as a means to rid the body of toxins but, the body does that on its own. Baring some biological interference this cleaning method is unnecessary. Hieronymus also noted, “Andrew Weil, who is a Harvard trained M.D. and is an alternative healer (He is big, very well thought of) has strongly come out against enemas in healthy people.”

In my opinion, enemas are on the same level as douches. To borrow a phrase from  Mid-west Teen Sex Show, “You wouldn’t date a douche so why use them?”

In both cases, gravity is your friend.  Gravity pulls everything towards the Earth regardless of whether it is in the body or outside of it.  The human body will do its job and gravity will do the rest.

Illusions of Grandeur

This was a rather special day for me. I had intended to just bring in a catalogue for a friend and chat but, I ended up doing a couple consultations as well. In my line of work I get meet to a variety of people. I meet the over-the-top sex crazed 20-somethings that buy products looking for the biggest results/orgasms, the 30-something recently divorced that are not looking for much more than a back-up plan, the seemingly open but actually very prudish and obviously fake people trying to appear "cool" (does that really matter after high school) and so many more types that cannot be categorized.

Due to the fact that I am a college student, the one group I deal with the most is the 20-somethings. These are the people that, if I had no ethical boundaries, I could easily make enough money to pay off my school loans and still have enough to buy a nice hybrid car afterwards. Many of the people that are interested in purchasing toys, and products, from me think that the price tag determines its quality. Not so much. The higher the price does not mean the product is any better than another. In some cases, the $20 difference in price is just because one has buttons and the other uses a dial control. If you do not have severe arthritis and can bend you knuckle enough to spin the little ribbed wheel then I am likely to suggest you buy the cheaper option.

In another consultation, I found out that it is so hard not to smile when someone is buying their very first toy and they want to buy the largest item in stock. Really? You want the "iVibe Deluxe" for your first toy? The salesperson in my head says, "If that's what they want then sell it to them." The safe sex advocate in me says, "Tell them about the Bullet Buddies first." There is no reason to spend that much money on something that you could hurt yourself with the first time and never use again. That would be a $135 mistake (not including tax or shipping/handling). Buying a deluxe model toy before you know your comfort level is like doing flips off the diving board before you are taught where to stand. You make one wrong move and you can crack you head on the broad before you get off the ladder.