A Valuable Lesson

About a year ago one of my favorite college professors passed away. Dr. Elizabeth Mooney was a remarkable person and an amazing inspiration to many. She was a clinical Sexologist and she is the one that suggested I go into social work. She and I were randomly chatting some years ago and I was telling her about wanting to go into the study of human sexuality as well. She told me that I should start with a Master's in Social Work so that I could have a job while I was earning my doctorate in Human Sexuality. That is basically what I am going to be doing. I have my MSW and my LSW. After advancing my License to the LCSW I will look into programs for Sex Therapy and Sex Education. But that is not the lesson the title is referring to. 

One day in her class I remember Dr Mooney asking, "what is love?" This question shocked many of us because it was not something we had anticipated discussing. Students started talking about that feeling you get when you see someone you are attracted to. Dr Mooney stated that was not the right answer. Eventually, she told us that love is a choice. This left the students confused. Everything told us love was a feeling. Even down to Disney films. What did she mean that love is a choice?

It had taken some time but I think I get it. There are so many signals swirling around us that we can't really tell what is what anymore. There is intrigue, infatuation, and lust. Those are chemistry and biology. That is all. What makes love more meaning full is that it is an active choice to be with someone. They don't have to be the person of your dreams. They don't need to be rich, famous, attractive, or whatever. They just have to choose you in return. 

I am not sure why these thought can up today. Maybe I just needed to remember her. 

The Dosage Makes the Poison

Everyone has probably heard the term Toxic Masculinity. It is one of those phrases that a lot of people use but is never really defined well. At least in my experience toxic masculinity could refer to any trait a person didn't like. But then the questions get raised, is there toxic femininity? What other identity toxicities are there? 

First, let's get on the same page with definitions. Oxford defines Toxic Masculinity as, " 

a set of attitudes and ways of behaving stereotypically associated with or expected of men, regarded as having a negative impact on men and on society as a whole."  For the sake of this post identity toxicity is when  a person places more value on maintaining and displaying an identity than they do on the people around them. When someone care more about how they are perceived than the feelings aor thoughts of the people around them. 

This can happen with Masculinity, femininity, religiosity, and national identities to name a few. These are the people waging a "war on wokeness." 

People being masculine or feminine or religious is not the issue. It is when that identity carries so much value in the person's mind that they are will to hurt other people to maintain it. For those of you wondering. Yes, toxic femininity is an issue. This, in my opinion, is when a woman is so fixated on gaining approval that she is willing to give up the rights of women in general.

Identities are not the problem. As the title of this post says, the dosage makes the poison. in low doses most identities is harmless.  More intensity makes for more toxicity.

Remaking Monday: Mental Health

 This is a topic many avoid discussing. Oh well... Let's talk about it anyway. Keep in mind I can only discuss things from my training and personal experience. I am not saying this is true for everyone.  The role of mental health in relationships is complicated and dependent on getting the correct diagnosis. 

In my 20s I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. In order to treat me my doctor cycled me through the entire SSRI classification at the time and even an SNRI or two. Nothing really worked. I was either depressed or shall we say, "less than stable". I eventually stopped the medications because I didn't like how they made me feel. It wasn't until my 30s that I was re-evaluated and diagnosed as Bipolar with anxiety and PTSD. Again they tried medication which had the opposite effect. I was so tired all the time. It had taken a few years and a few Doctor changes to find what worked for me. 

Why is any of this relevant? Well. in my 20s I was on medications that raised my energy level. For someone that turned out to be Bipolar this was very dangerous. On top of decreasing my inhibitions it allowed me to engage in some behaviors the current me is not too proud of. Antidepressants for someone that is bipolar can actually push them closer and closer to a manic state. This is not fun for anyone depending on the type of mania. When I got the accurate diagnosis I was put on medications to lower my energy level and minimize the chances of a manic state. This killed my interest in relationships and sex because I was too tired to care. 

Now that I am in a better mental health space I can look back at the lessons I have learned and be more accepting of myself. When in a relationship with someone who is struggling with their mental health it is important to know that it is a struggle. You may not know where they are in the process of finding what works. Walking with someone that is going through this process is less like a roller coaster and more like experiencing unexpected G-Forces on a Sunday stroll. Take care of yourself too.  

Lessons Learned

 I was scrolling through memories on a social media platform that takes up too much of my time some days, we all know that feeling,  when I stumbled across an old post. the post said, "So, as a kid my parents told me that talking about my good qualities to any extent was pride and, therefore, a sin. Even though I have severed any connection to the church, and the religion for that matter, I still cannot speak, or think, positively about myself without feeling highly uncomfortable. Sometimes even sick. This does not help when writing personal statement for grad school."  While grad school is long over and I am figuring out my career path I got to thinking about the things I learned as a kid and how they impact me today. 

Consider this lesson, to talk about my good qualities was considered pride. Not self confidence. Not positive self image. Pride. One of the seven deadly sins. To give some perspective here I grew up in a very confusing household. Both of my parents fell into the emotionally immature category. My mother was, and still is, very religious. My father, and still is, a very negative slur for low income country. Basically, I grew up in an environment with weaponized religion and toxic masculinity. The factors that lead to identity toxicity will be discussed in a later post.

In environments like this it is very common for people to think they can't do anything right. If I spoke highly about myself my mother would preach at me about sin or my dad would think I was challenging his role as "man of the house." Let's just say it was not a safe for a child to grow up. 

 Why am I writing about this? Because for many people in my region of the world, and in my generation, this kind of household was the norm. For the longest time I was a people pleaser in any relationship I was in. I was constantly in fear of the consequences for being myself or stating my opinions. For people pleaser it is very easy to fall into dysfunctional relationships. We are generally worried about regulating other peoples emotions and reactions which tends to leave us on less stable footing. It can be as serious as not being able to say "No," or "stop," when situations become uncomfortable. This can lead to the people pleaser feeling violated. 

What lessons had you learned over the years? How were these lessons taught? Do you still adhere to them?

Remaking Monday: Happiness

 It's confession time. I am 40 years old and have spent most of my life being unhappy. When I was a kid I thought I was unhappy because of my medical issues. As a teen I thought it was depression. In my twenties I thought I had to work for it. It wasn't until I read Happier, by Tal Ben-Shahar, that I started to see my problem. In his book, Ben-Shahar writes about the archetypes of happiness. They are the Rat Racer, the Hedonist, and the Nihilist. I will not discuss the fourth archetype because I believe everyone should read this book.

Each one has a different view on happiness. I, while have been all of them at some point in time, was predominantly a Rat Racer. Happiness was always a goal to be worked for but never really attained. This could be tied back to what I was taught about faith growing up. We are supposed to suffer in this life to be rewarded in the afterlife. 

While genuine happiness does require effort it also requires balance. Ben-Shahar writes about finding meaning and purpose in life as well as balancing present and future happiness. Happiness in general is not a constant feeling of elation. It is a conscious choice to find what makes you feel accomplished. 

 Being happy in a relationship is not just about being with someone that makes you feel alive. That is just chemistry. What kind of meaning does your relationship give your life?  Finding a relationship that motivates you to be a better person for your partner and yourself is just part of finding meaning.  In my personal opinion, I feel partners should want to bring out the best in each other. In thinking through my different times in my life I can see what happens when this criteria is not met. The relationship loses its spark and the relationship ends.

When it comes to relationships, I strongly encourage people to think about how the relationship will make them feel. Will it make you genuinely happy or just tingly for a moment? 

Terms and Conditions

 As promised in a previous post I said I would explain the lack of sadness about losing a friend to time and separation. The reason for this, I later learned, was due to the terms and conditions of our friendship. While I viewed him as a friend, to him I was a type of moped. This term reshaped how I viewed a lot of my 20's. For those of you that do not know, a moped is someone that is seen as not socially desirable that someone spends time with in secret. Traditionally, this is someone who is not seen as attractive but is good in bed. This term can also be extended to someone that cannot boost one's social status but they help you when asked. You still don't want to admit you know them, but you get something out of the relationship.

I was in my 30's when I realized this was the label that I fell under. I chose to live my life without regrets and that made people uncomfortable around me. Does this mean I was a moped to everyone? No. I had more true friends than people that saw me as a moped. This is probably why I took a step back in my 30's. Now in my 40's, just barely, I see my life a bit differently. My 20's were for making mistakes and trying new things. My 30's were for processing and learning the lessons from my 20's. In my 40's I am looking forward to growing from those lessons. 

I consider myself to be very fortunate. Given every mistake I made in my 20's I have come through with little more than a few bumps and bruises. I have never had an STI, never been abused, and have found myself in a position now to be a support system for others. I am reaching my goal. I just took the scenic route. 

Remaking Monday: Hygiene

The topic everyone needs but people do not often mention. What do you do if your junk has the funk?  First, everyone has there own smell. This is normal. there are still things to be aware of and pay attention to. The type of smell is very important. While working for a AIDS Services Organization I worked with people that gave sexual health presentations. Two of the slogans that came up were, "If it smells like cologne, leave it alone," and "If it smells like fish, it's a dish." First off.... Ew.

One of my colleagues at the time confessed that she did not like feeling unclean so she used scented products including lotions. For her this was a sign that she was taking care of herself. This got me thinking. Is the use of scented products a bad thing? Not really. It really depends on the kind of scented product and where it is used. If the scented product is coming from the genitals themselves this raises red flags for me. Many scented products are not designed for use there and can lead to irritation or infection. This could signify something being covered up or someone that does not know as much about hygiene as they think. Fragrance on the areas near, but not on, the genitals could just be that person's preference. Pay attention to if there is a smell under the fragrance to be safe. 

If there is an unpleasant odor, like fish,  this is a sign of trich. Trich is a parasitic infection that is treatable. 

Basic hygiene tip #1 - use gentle products on sensitive areas. Harsher chemicals can cause irritation and smells if you over do it.

Hygiene tip #2 - Pay attention. lack of information, or access to false information, are a true epidemic in society. if something makes you uncomfortable it is better to walk away. You don't owe anyone an explanation. 

Story Time: Friends and Enemas

 I should probably start by saying that I am not entirely sure how I became, "that person". You know who I am talking about. The person people go to with questions they are too afraid to ask their friends, but at the same time don't want to admit they know you. I had a "friend", who shall remain nameless, that sent me an email out of nowhere asking me about enemas. He wanted to know about their use and safety. Me, not realizing the downward trajectory of our friendship, was willing to look into the subject. 

Having never used one before, because I personally did not like the idea of them,  chose to ask a colleague of mine that was the nurse practitioner at the university clinic. I simply told her that a friend had asked me and I didn't have enough information. She informed me that often times enemas are used in preparation of anal sex. The overwhelming urge to say "duh" here was implied at the time. She went on to say that the body's processes of elimination generally do not need assistance like that. Unless a legitimate medical professional recommends their use because there is something not working in the system enemas can actually have detrimental effects.

Never mind the amount of time you will spend running to the toilet  waiting for the effect to stop, it is actually not a one and done type scenario for some people, the very act of repeated enemas can tell the muscles in the lower digestive tract to stop working as much. This would make it to where someone would need enemas because they used them too much. 

After emailing this information back to my "friend" we never really spoke again (the potential reason for this to be examined in another post). We have since gone our separate ways and I don't think either of us feel any lose about this fact.  It was how the universe wanted things to go. I guess the moral of this story, if it needs one, is friends come and go, but your body is here to stay. Take care of it.

Neurospicy: Intimacy and Neurodiversity

 Ah... After a very long nap I am picking up with a topic that I have been thinking about for some time. How does being neurodivergent impact a person's experience of intimacy? Let me first say that I have only recently identified myself as belonging to the Neurodivergent community. I had recently turned forty and have been shifting my career path towards private practice and starting asking questions. What does neurodiversity mean? What makes someone Neurodivergent? (You would think this would have been something discussed in my Master's program but it wasn't) What diagnoses make up the neurodivergent community? Are there other factors at play? And how does the divergence in the brain impact our ability to relate to others romantically? 

On the surface neurodiversity does not exclude people from romance and intimacy. It does, however, change a person's experience of them. Neurodiversity requires more than an understanding of love languages and toxic traits. It also has to do with translation into terms that those considered Neurotypical would understand. There are struggles with over-stimulation from emotions as well as physical sensation. Many people that belong to the neurodivergent community engage in masking which is often a misguided attempt to fit into a box they were not meant for. 

So let's examine these one piece at a time. Often times, members of this community have there own language. Not in terms of Spanish, French, or German but, when a person's brain operates a little off the beaten path their perception of the world is a little different. As a result, the way we communicate those observations will vary. Sometimes it may even be something we can communicate without words. Nonverbal communication is still a factor. It takes time and effort to understand what anyone is trying to communicate. So then why do so many people not try to understand the neurodiverse lexicon? 

 Over-stimulation during romantic and intimate moments is not often discussed. Depending on the cocktail of circumstances that makes a person neurodivergent it is completely possible to to get overwhelmed by sex. Too much skin on skin contact can be triggering for someone that is not used to it, or has been a victim of physical violence. The combination of physical stimulation and verbal communication can overwhelm a person's ability to stay in the moment. There are things that could help. Start with honest conversation. If skin on skin contact is too much then consider nitrile gloves like the ones used in hospitals. Look into sensation play and experiment with one toy at a time. If the sights and sounds prove to be too much for someone consider taking one of the senses away so they can ground in the others. A blindfold or silence could be viable options.

With neurodivergence being related to any combination of diagnoses, brain injury, or emotional trauma it becomes more important to be honest and open with your partners. Most importantly, it requires people to be open and honest with themselves.

Let me know if this topic is of interest to you. I can post resources and more thoughts at a later date. 

What's your flavor?

In some circles there has been a slight uptick in the discourse of sexual terminology.  This is mainly between the BDSM community and, essentially, “everyone else” in the world. What is the cause of this debate? Is it trying to make nipple claps the newest fashion trend in high school? Is it a fictional petition to replace the national anthem with Rihanna’s song S&M? That would be hilarious but, no. Then what is the issue?

According to the bitchmedia post Thinking Kink: Is vanilla sex boring? Who gets to decide? It relates to the use of the term “vanilla” in regards to non- kinky sex. The author of the post, Catherine Scott, wrote,” Vanilla was a term intended to simply differentiate between sexual preferences, but it was not necessarily meant to put down or diminish the value of non-kinky lifestyles.”

Is vanilla bad? If you think the answer to this is “yes” then you really should go back and read my post on Sexual Landscapes. Vanilla is not bad. In fact it is the furthest thing from it. That which is termed “vanilla” is as crucial to our overall sexual experience as genetic variation is to the survival of the species.

Over-dramatic? Not really. There are certain details that most people forget when they use the term negatively.

Everything starts with vanilla. It is highly unlikely that most kinksters actually had the first ever sexual experience decked out in latex and studded collars. Fetishes need to be discovered and nurtured.  They do not just spontaneously evolve.

Everything is just a variation.  For the most part the mechanics are the same. Pleasurable stimulation is applied to areas of the body. The only thing that changes is how the stimulation is administered.

Even vanilla has variations. Any one that bakes knows that there are different types of vanilla.  Just like in sex there are acts that are classified in the vanilla category that can bring about different sensations.

Vanilla is arbitrary. Since there is no actual definition for “vanilla” as it pertains to sexuality its meaning is dependent on the tastes of the person using it.

If vanilla has no meaning why write about it? Well, even the kinkiest people like a little vanilla ice cream on the side.

No Balloons, No Party

People that know me can verify I am a safety freak. As one of my YouTube addictions Ms Haley Star might say, “No Balloons, No party.” Playful. To the point. This statement is one to that I have adopted and recommend for others as a more fun alternative to “no glove no love”.

The problem with this is that many men still do not know how to find the right condom fit. The CEO of the premium condom company Lucky Bloke stated in the article Why Do We Romanticize Bareback Sex, "The kind of condoms that are sold in most drug stores or given away at campus health centers at best fit only half the male population, just as the same bra won't fit every woman, neither will the same condom fit every man.”

Some useful videos that I have found to help with this issue come from the mind of Paul Joannides, Author of The Guide to Getting It On, and posted to YouTube.

            Find the right fit is not something that is easy to do. Frankly, much like the people they are attached to, penises come in all shapes and sizes. (Pun not intended but, a delightful accident). The fit video is the first step to condom comfort.

            The Second step to condom comfort is putting on a condom properly. Many men, and some women for that matter, assume that condoms are self explanatory without reading the instructions. Many forget, or just don’t know, to pinch the tip of the condom to remove the air and create a receptacle for the semen after ejaculation. Failure to create the receptacle can cause the condom to break.

            There are a variety of barrier methods to prevent pregnancy and the spread of Sexually Transmitted Infections that I will discuss and compare in later posts. Until then… It is not a party unless someone brings the balloons.

Baldies and Manscapes and Bears OH MY!

In the early weeks of this blog I had made a post about Vajazzling, the practice of gluing rhinestones and studs to the pubic region. This is not a practice that I personally engage in or condone without consultation (adhesive allergies and skin reaction may occur if not done properly), however, vajazzling is not the only genital modification method out there. Yes, that is right, I am talking about pubic hair maintenance.

Believe it or not the way pubic hair, and body hair in general, is maintained can influence the way the body looks more than people realize. Pubic hair is subject to the same visual aesthetic rules that govern dressing for one’s body type. If you think about it there is some logic to this idea. The less shaped pubic is the less appealing the person may be. This is not a universal constant but a general rule of thumb. There are still those out there that enjoy a “nice bush”.

Think of it like stripes.  The width of the hair growth can acts like a horizontal stripe and can make the hips  and waist look wider. By narrowing the region of hair growth the stripe goes vertical and slims the waist. There are no real “golden rules” for grooming but there are websites with tips. Men can look here. Women can look here. If you do not identify as either look here.

A Few Valuable Resources

Here are a few resources I have found to be by far the most amazing.

Talk Sex with Sue – Nurse for several decades and answering callers questions weekly.  This is why I miss having the Oxygen Channel.

The Guide to Getting it on - Informative and entertaining. I have no words for how fantastic this resource is. Check it out to see all its glory.

More to come…

Basic Massage Tools

1.       Oil or lotion – This lubricates the skin of the one receiving the massage as well as the hands giving to reduce friction. This can also moisturize skin as well.

2.       Large towels of Bath sheets – These serve to cover the person receiving the massage and soak up any excess oils.

3.       Lightweight blankets – It may sound strange but the experience begins before the massage. Warming some soft Light weight blankets can increase the sensations and promote relaxation.

4.       Pillows/cushions – Pillows help create a comfortable place to lie down but they accomplish much more. Pillows can be used to help position the person and assist in holding the position during the massage. Under the head and neck as well as under the knees are good when the receiver is on their back. One under the pelvis helps when they are on their stomach.

5.       Candles – Overhead lighting may be overwhelming in intimate situations. Lighting should be dim enough to promote calm but bright enough to still see.

6.       Music – No Eminem remixes allowed here. Massage music should be on low volumes and not require much thought (in other words minimal lyrics). Nature sounds can also work here too.

There are other items that can be included in massages such as massage gloves and warming hearts. These are not required for a massage but are good if you have them to add spice and pleasure later.

Note: Warm blankets, music and lighting are all related to atmosphere. As I said the experience begins before the massage.

A Fabulous Friday Kama Sutra Style

Welcome Back Sex Enthusiasts!

This post will, hopefully, make up for my missing Product Play and Toy Talk posts. It will also have some similarities to a Re-Making Monday post from a while back.

I am a huge fan of giving massages. I enjoy the sensation of toughing skin on skin, the release of endorphins that comes from the inherent intimacy that the act has and the diversity in the types of massage. No two cultures have exactly the same massage practices; therefore there are an infinite number of ways to mix it up in the bedroom, kitchen, garage, backyard or office. Just remember to lock the door when appropriate.

Finding techniques can be rather easy. All anyone has to do is type in massage in the YouTube search bar and look at what you get.

Finding supplies, or even knowing what you may need, is another story. There are an abundance of oils, crèmes, lotions, lubricants and so on that all make claims to be “massage” products. Personally, I recommend massage oils because many of them do not leave stick residue that can be counterproductive to the massage.

 If a person takes a shower after a massage it should be because they took the gesture a bit further, not because they feel greasy afterwards.

Kama Sutra is a brand of massage, and intimate, products I have been using long before I started selling it.  While it may come in larger bottles of set fragrances there are some creative solutions to that.

I suggest the larger bottle of the sweet almond Kama Sutra for the simple fact that it is very versatile. This comes in handy if you go to local dollar store and buy the cosmetic cylinders with the disc top lids. Pour the Kama Sutra oil into the smaller containers until they are three quarters (3/4) of the way full. Add desired essential oils and shake well. I add a little extra vitamin E oil to the containers before filling completely.

Now you paid for one bottle of oil but have gotten eight or more different oils out of it. This is great for a college student/ newlywed budget.

Dropping an fbomb for you

In case you have not realized by my style of posting I am a feminist. Yes, it is possible to be both male and feminist. In one of my Gender Studies classes yesterday we discussed "what is feminism?" This question can get some "interesting" answers. So, let me give my views on feminism and then I will explain why this has anything to do with a blog about sex.
These are thoughts that have developed since junior high/senior high school and have been refined since. All races, sexes, genders, nationalities, religious groups, sexual orientations etc are fully human and deserve the same rights and considerations. It is just that simple in my world.
The reason I explain this now is because I want to make this it clear that sexual/ relationship safety, education and knowledge should never be exclusive. The information I find and post is general for the sake of everyone's benefit.

Return of The Maniacal One

Greetings all,

I apologize for not posting for the past few months. There were a series of unfortunate events that got in the way. Long story short after regaining access to my gmail and then this blog  I am back with a new name and some new ideas. Since this in no longer being done for a class grade. *big grin* I have a few changes I am working on. Hopefully, it will be an improvement over what it was. I also plan to include links to articles that I find interesting and videos I want to share.

 Love, luck and Lollipops,

Brynn

About This Blog

The idea of a college student writing about sex borders on sociological cliché; of this I am painfully aware. I should take this time to clear up a few details. This is not a sex blog. There will be no fiery tales of the bump and grind posted here.

While I have read several memoirs of people in the sex work industry I am not one of them. I am a college undergraduate that has studied this topic from a number of disciplines over the past five years.

Do I know it all? No. I am more than willing to ask and search for answers if I do not have them.

This is a place for the discussion of human sexuality in a broader sense. I am hoping to have this be a dialogue of sorts, not a soliloquy.

 It is my intention to post information that is meant to look at the various aspects of the sexual experience without the regaling the naughty details.

The posts included here are the result of; questions that people have asked me either through email or in person (how I became the Sue Johanson of campus I do not know), topics brought up in classes over the course of my time in college and my own curiosities about the subject.

Emails and comments are highly encouraged. I welcome constructive feedback and input. I am more than willing to answer questions privately or in a post. There is so much more to sexuality than sex.