A Valuable Lesson

About a year ago one of my favorite college professors passed away. Dr. Elizabeth Mooney was a remarkable person and an amazing inspiration to many. She was a clinical Sexologist and she is the one that suggested I go into social work. She and I were randomly chatting some years ago and I was telling her about wanting to go into the study of human sexuality as well. She told me that I should start with a Master's in Social Work so that I could have a job while I was earning my doctorate in Human Sexuality. That is basically what I am going to be doing. I have my MSW and my LSW. After advancing my License to the LCSW I will look into programs for Sex Therapy and Sex Education. But that is not the lesson the title is referring to. 

One day in her class I remember Dr Mooney asking, "what is love?" This question shocked many of us because it was not something we had anticipated discussing. Students started talking about that feeling you get when you see someone you are attracted to. Dr Mooney stated that was not the right answer. Eventually, she told us that love is a choice. This left the students confused. Everything told us love was a feeling. Even down to Disney films. What did she mean that love is a choice?

It had taken some time but I think I get it. There are so many signals swirling around us that we can't really tell what is what anymore. There is intrigue, infatuation, and lust. Those are chemistry and biology. That is all. What makes love more meaning full is that it is an active choice to be with someone. They don't have to be the person of your dreams. They don't need to be rich, famous, attractive, or whatever. They just have to choose you in return. 

I am not sure why these thought can up today. Maybe I just needed to remember her. 

Remaking Monday: Mental Health

 This is a topic many avoid discussing. Oh well... Let's talk about it anyway. Keep in mind I can only discuss things from my training and personal experience. I am not saying this is true for everyone.  The role of mental health in relationships is complicated and dependent on getting the correct diagnosis. 

In my 20s I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. In order to treat me my doctor cycled me through the entire SSRI classification at the time and even an SNRI or two. Nothing really worked. I was either depressed or shall we say, "less than stable". I eventually stopped the medications because I didn't like how they made me feel. It wasn't until my 30s that I was re-evaluated and diagnosed as Bipolar with anxiety and PTSD. Again they tried medication which had the opposite effect. I was so tired all the time. It had taken a few years and a few Doctor changes to find what worked for me. 

Why is any of this relevant? Well. in my 20s I was on medications that raised my energy level. For someone that turned out to be Bipolar this was very dangerous. On top of decreasing my inhibitions it allowed me to engage in some behaviors the current me is not too proud of. Antidepressants for someone that is bipolar can actually push them closer and closer to a manic state. This is not fun for anyone depending on the type of mania. When I got the accurate diagnosis I was put on medications to lower my energy level and minimize the chances of a manic state. This killed my interest in relationships and sex because I was too tired to care. 

Now that I am in a better mental health space I can look back at the lessons I have learned and be more accepting of myself. When in a relationship with someone who is struggling with their mental health it is important to know that it is a struggle. You may not know where they are in the process of finding what works. Walking with someone that is going through this process is less like a roller coaster and more like experiencing unexpected G-Forces on a Sunday stroll. Take care of yourself too.  

Lessons Learned

 I was scrolling through memories on a social media platform that takes up too much of my time some days, we all know that feeling,  when I stumbled across an old post. the post said, "So, as a kid my parents told me that talking about my good qualities to any extent was pride and, therefore, a sin. Even though I have severed any connection to the church, and the religion for that matter, I still cannot speak, or think, positively about myself without feeling highly uncomfortable. Sometimes even sick. This does not help when writing personal statement for grad school."  While grad school is long over and I am figuring out my career path I got to thinking about the things I learned as a kid and how they impact me today. 

Consider this lesson, to talk about my good qualities was considered pride. Not self confidence. Not positive self image. Pride. One of the seven deadly sins. To give some perspective here I grew up in a very confusing household. Both of my parents fell into the emotionally immature category. My mother was, and still is, very religious. My father, and still is, a very negative slur for low income country. Basically, I grew up in an environment with weaponized religion and toxic masculinity. The factors that lead to identity toxicity will be discussed in a later post.

In environments like this it is very common for people to think they can't do anything right. If I spoke highly about myself my mother would preach at me about sin or my dad would think I was challenging his role as "man of the house." Let's just say it was not a safe for a child to grow up. 

 Why am I writing about this? Because for many people in my region of the world, and in my generation, this kind of household was the norm. For the longest time I was a people pleaser in any relationship I was in. I was constantly in fear of the consequences for being myself or stating my opinions. For people pleaser it is very easy to fall into dysfunctional relationships. We are generally worried about regulating other peoples emotions and reactions which tends to leave us on less stable footing. It can be as serious as not being able to say "No," or "stop," when situations become uncomfortable. This can lead to the people pleaser feeling violated. 

What lessons had you learned over the years? How were these lessons taught? Do you still adhere to them?

What's your flavor?

In some circles there has been a slight uptick in the discourse of sexual terminology.  This is mainly between the BDSM community and, essentially, “everyone else” in the world. What is the cause of this debate? Is it trying to make nipple claps the newest fashion trend in high school? Is it a fictional petition to replace the national anthem with Rihanna’s song S&M? That would be hilarious but, no. Then what is the issue?

According to the bitchmedia post Thinking Kink: Is vanilla sex boring? Who gets to decide? It relates to the use of the term “vanilla” in regards to non- kinky sex. The author of the post, Catherine Scott, wrote,” Vanilla was a term intended to simply differentiate between sexual preferences, but it was not necessarily meant to put down or diminish the value of non-kinky lifestyles.”

Is vanilla bad? If you think the answer to this is “yes” then you really should go back and read my post on Sexual Landscapes. Vanilla is not bad. In fact it is the furthest thing from it. That which is termed “vanilla” is as crucial to our overall sexual experience as genetic variation is to the survival of the species.

Over-dramatic? Not really. There are certain details that most people forget when they use the term negatively.

Everything starts with vanilla. It is highly unlikely that most kinksters actually had the first ever sexual experience decked out in latex and studded collars. Fetishes need to be discovered and nurtured.  They do not just spontaneously evolve.

Everything is just a variation.  For the most part the mechanics are the same. Pleasurable stimulation is applied to areas of the body. The only thing that changes is how the stimulation is administered.

Even vanilla has variations. Any one that bakes knows that there are different types of vanilla.  Just like in sex there are acts that are classified in the vanilla category that can bring about different sensations.

Vanilla is arbitrary. Since there is no actual definition for “vanilla” as it pertains to sexuality its meaning is dependent on the tastes of the person using it.

If vanilla has no meaning why write about it? Well, even the kinkiest people like a little vanilla ice cream on the side.

Types vs "Chasing"

Metros. Jocks and bears Oh my… It is a tacky way to start but here I go. Sexuality is a complex and dynamic concept. If you disagree then perhaps revisiting my Sexual Landscape post. I base this conclusion on the existence of “types”. No two people have exactly the same type. For those of you that are unclear what I mean by type I will clarify…

A type refers to a set of physical and personality characteristics that are found desirable by a person. This is a basis for the “Tall, dark and handsome” icon.  In order for someone to be categorized as someone else’s “type” they need to possess some, or all, of the characteristics. The ideas of types, and what they are, tend to be very dynamic.  Having a “type” is not to be confused with being a “chaser” or taking “-izer” on the end of a word.

A “chaser” is someone that fetishizes a group of people based on a set of characteristics. There are chasers for almost every group out there. I actually found out one of my exes was a chubby chaser. Needless to say that relationship, and my self-esteem, did not last long after that.

Being an “izer”, sometimes considered users, is similar to being a chaser. “Izers”, such as modelizers and womanizers, will fetishize a population and use members of that population as a status symbol. Both “izers” and chasers can end up doing emotional damage to the people they date.

If you should "look before you leap" then learning before you date is just as wise.

Inter-Racial Dating

Relationships are a lot of work not matter what the after-school specials make them look like. Often it can feel like a prolonged negotiation. These negotiations get even more difficult when those involved come from vastly different backgrounds. Through my random readings I have found race to be more of a relationship issue that I ever thought it was.

 This may sound a little odd and probably make me seem more “out there” than usual but here it goes. Growing up in the “Middle of Nowhere” Midwest the idea of “race” was never something that crossed my mind. Living in my neck of the woods there is a diverse population of people from all over the cultural spectrum. Now I am not sure if it I was “sheltered” or just oblivious but, I never looked at a person and saw them as being different from me.

When I was a kid, my family moved one city over from a diverse area to Indiana’s equivalent of Mayberry. I went from being around people of all shapes, sizes, and shades of brown (there is no such thing as a “white” person unless they are considered Albino and that is another story) to a lot of kids that looked like me. It was very, very boring.

It was not until high school that I had actually been told there were different races. I didn’t start to get a feel for what “race” was until college. Yes, I am kind of slow at times. Oddly enough, I didn’t start taking classes that studied race until after I had broken up with my second non-Caucasian boyfriend.  I went off on a research bender to try and understand inter-racial relationships. I was stunned at some of the, for lack of a better word, crap that is in circulation. 

Old racial stereotypes are still being used to define groups and determine their “date-ability”. Let us think about this for a minute… If these stereotypes were not true when they were in common use why would they be any truer now? The answer… There is no validity to any of it.

A few years ago I found a YouTube posting about inter-racial dating called The Other White Meat. This was the first time I had heard a perspective like this. While I, personally, do not like being lumped into the same category as Porky Pig and Foghorn Leghorn It was interesting.

Dating is a voluntary act. Choosing a person to date is up to the individual but having all the facts first, and deciding based on the individual rather that the characteristic, makes you more date-able.

Mapping the terrain

image credit: hchalkley

When picturing human sexuality, it is difficult to separate sexuality from sex. This is where some people find themselves overwhelmed with pornographic images that are too focused for such a general term. Sexuality is all about nuance and variation. So many similar systems of practice and fantasies that are not always easy to distinguish from one another. These differences can be obvious like hand cuffs and whips to very subtle like the difference between balloons and bubble wrap. Everything is so different but, it is all under the banner of sexuality.

The landscape of human sexuality, much like the landscape above, is full of varying shades of similar colors. Where a practice bears more importance to a person that area of their sexual landscape is more pronounced. The area associated with an unused practice may be more concave. A region that pertains to a specific fetish may be a different shade than that of an area that relates to a fantasy. This creates a patchwork of complexity that can be mind boggling. The above image is a breathtaking example of how there is so much variation between to areas in close proximity. Even neighboring plots have distinct differences.

No two people have the exact same sexual landscapes. They can only hope that they have enough similarity for a complementary relationship. Over time the landscapes may change. It may be eroded by the winds of peer pressure or the changing weather of curiosity.