The idea of listening and hearing not being the same thing is not a new concept in the world. For the purposes of this post we are going to treat listening and hearing as synonymous but we will make a distinction between Listening/Hearing and listening/hearing. Listening/Hearing is active and utilizes engaged attention to the speaker. Its responses are validating and apropos. Lower case listening/hearing is something we can do on autopilot. The thoughts being conveyed to us become not much more than noise we are aware of, but not taking in.
From the first primitive grunts to the most eloquent soliloquies it can be easy to tell who is just hearing your voice versus listening to your needs. Even if their eyes don't glaze over during the conversation, the inevitable outcome of a superficial response makes it clear they heard you speak but didn't Hear you.
Charles Duhigg, author of Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, posited a thought that can be most beneficial for the more complicated interactions. He wrote about three possible responses to a partner/loved one in distress. They can be looking for practical solutions, emotional validation, or comfort. This can be summed up by the 3 "H"s (Helped, Heard, and Hugged).
If a person is asking for Help then they may be seeking a practical solution they cannot find on their own.
If a person is seeking emotional validation they likely need to vent and be Heard.
If a person is seeking comfort because there are not words or actions that can change anything then they need a Hug.
This is so unbelievably simple but can mean the world to the person in need. If you are not sure which "H" to utilize then ask, "Do you want to be helped, Heard, or Hugged?" This can show the person in need that you want to support them in the way that they need support in that moment.
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