Ah... After a very long nap I am picking up with a topic that I have been thinking about for some time. How does being neurodivergent impact a person's experience of intimacy? Let me first say that I have only recently identified myself as belonging to the Neurodivergent community. I had recently turned forty and have been shifting my career path towards private practice and starting asking questions. What does neurodiversity mean? What makes someone Neurodivergent? (You would think this would have been something discussed in my Master's program but it wasn't) What diagnoses make up the neurodivergent community? Are there other factors at play? And how does the divergence in the brain impact our ability to relate to others romantically?
On the surface neurodiversity does not exclude people from romance and intimacy. It does, however, change a person's experience of them. Neurodiversity requires more than an understanding of love languages and toxic traits. It also has to do with translation into terms that those considered Neurotypical would understand. There are struggles with over-stimulation from emotions as well as physical sensation. Many people that belong to the neurodivergent community engage in masking which is often a misguided attempt to fit into a box they were not meant for.
So let's examine these one piece at a time. Often times, members of this community have there own language. Not in terms of Spanish, French, or German but, when a person's brain operates a little off the beaten path their perception of the world is a little different. As a result, the way we communicate those observations will vary. Sometimes it may even be something we can communicate without words. Nonverbal communication is still a factor. It takes time and effort to understand what anyone is trying to communicate. So then why do so many people not try to understand the neurodiverse lexicon?
Over-stimulation during romantic and intimate moments is not often discussed. Depending on the cocktail of circumstances that makes a person neurodivergent it is completely possible to to get overwhelmed by sex. Too much skin on skin contact can be triggering for someone that is not used to it, or has been a victim of physical violence. The combination of physical stimulation and verbal communication can overwhelm a person's ability to stay in the moment. There are things that could help. Start with honest conversation. If skin on skin contact is too much then consider nitrile gloves like the ones used in hospitals. Look into sensation play and experiment with one toy at a time. If the sights and sounds prove to be too much for someone consider taking one of the senses away so they can ground in the others. A blindfold or silence could be viable options.
With neurodivergence being related to any combination of diagnoses, brain injury, or emotional trauma it becomes more important to be honest and open with your partners. Most importantly, it requires people to be open and honest with themselves.
Let me know if this topic is of interest to you. I can post resources and more thoughts at a later date.