A Valuable Lesson

About a year ago one of my favorite college professors passed away. Dr. Elizabeth Mooney was a remarkable person and an amazing inspiration to many. She was a clinical Sexologist and she is the one that suggested I go into social work. She and I were randomly chatting some years ago and I was telling her about wanting to go into the study of human sexuality as well. She told me that I should start with a Master's in Social Work so that I could have a job while I was earning my doctorate in Human Sexuality. That is basically what I am going to be doing. I have my MSW and my LSW. After advancing my License to the LCSW I will look into programs for Sex Therapy and Sex Education. But that is not the lesson the title is referring to. 

One day in her class I remember Dr Mooney asking, "what is love?" This question shocked many of us because it was not something we had anticipated discussing. Students started talking about that feeling you get when you see someone you are attracted to. Dr Mooney stated that was not the right answer. Eventually, she told us that love is a choice. This left the students confused. Everything told us love was a feeling. Even down to Disney films. What did she mean that love is a choice?

It had taken some time but I think I get it. There are so many signals swirling around us that we can't really tell what is what anymore. There is intrigue, infatuation, and lust. Those are chemistry and biology. That is all. What makes love more meaning full is that it is an active choice to be with someone. They don't have to be the person of your dreams. They don't need to be rich, famous, attractive, or whatever. They just have to choose you in return. 

I am not sure why these thought can up today. Maybe I just needed to remember her. 

Remaking Monday: Maintainence

 How I find these things I will never know, but for some reason I have been running across a phrase a lot lately. I have hear people say, "I stay ready so I don't have to get ready." The phrase is quite simple to understand. It refers to the things people do to make sure they are never in an uncomfortable, or embarrassing, situation around sex.

 Generally, these are strategic habits that build personal rituals. Many of the things I have found are hygiene and grooming related. Taking a more intense, deep cleaning shower once a week to minimize body odor. Choosing a signature scent to make yourself more memorable. Maintaining a grooming schedule so that you look your best. Personally, I think it is more important to feel comfortable in your own skin. 

What if we applied this concept to self-care? Not just for sexy time self-care, but for peace of mind and relaxation. I am a big fan of organizing activities by expense level. Categories include high, medium, low, and no expense. 

 High expense would include travel based vacations, week long retreats, or (if you like that sort of thing) home renovations.

Medium expense would include Spa Days. Manicures, pedicures (specifically ones with hot stone foot massages), or makeovers. 

Low expense would be crafting. I personally enjoy knitting and crocheting. Yarn and needles don't cost mush.

No expense are my favorite because they use what I already have. Aromatherapy showers, naps, reading. etc.

 Staying ready so you don't have to get ready in regards to self-care involves knowing how to take care of yourself when life gets stressful. It is the small comforts that make life itself more enjoyable.

The Dosage Makes the Poison

Everyone has probably heard the term Toxic Masculinity. It is one of those phrases that a lot of people use but is never really defined well. At least in my experience toxic masculinity could refer to any trait a person didn't like. But then the questions get raised, is there toxic femininity? What other identity toxicities are there? 

First, let's get on the same page with definitions. Oxford defines Toxic Masculinity as, " 

a set of attitudes and ways of behaving stereotypically associated with or expected of men, regarded as having a negative impact on men and on society as a whole."  For the sake of this post identity toxicity is when  a person places more value on maintaining and displaying an identity than they do on the people around them. When someone care more about how they are perceived than the feelings aor thoughts of the people around them. 

This can happen with Masculinity, femininity, religiosity, and national identities to name a few. These are the people waging a "war on wokeness." 

People being masculine or feminine or religious is not the issue. It is when that identity carries so much value in the person's mind that they are will to hurt other people to maintain it. For those of you wondering. Yes, toxic femininity is an issue. This, in my opinion, is when a woman is so fixated on gaining approval that she is willing to give up the rights of women in general.

Identities are not the problem. As the title of this post says, the dosage makes the poison. in low doses most identities is harmless.  More intensity makes for more toxicity.

Remaking Monday: Mental Health

 This is a topic many avoid discussing. Oh well... Let's talk about it anyway. Keep in mind I can only discuss things from my training and personal experience. I am not saying this is true for everyone.  The role of mental health in relationships is complicated and dependent on getting the correct diagnosis. 

In my 20s I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. In order to treat me my doctor cycled me through the entire SSRI classification at the time and even an SNRI or two. Nothing really worked. I was either depressed or shall we say, "less than stable". I eventually stopped the medications because I didn't like how they made me feel. It wasn't until my 30s that I was re-evaluated and diagnosed as Bipolar with anxiety and PTSD. Again they tried medication which had the opposite effect. I was so tired all the time. It had taken a few years and a few Doctor changes to find what worked for me. 

Why is any of this relevant? Well. in my 20s I was on medications that raised my energy level. For someone that turned out to be Bipolar this was very dangerous. On top of decreasing my inhibitions it allowed me to engage in some behaviors the current me is not too proud of. Antidepressants for someone that is bipolar can actually push them closer and closer to a manic state. This is not fun for anyone depending on the type of mania. When I got the accurate diagnosis I was put on medications to lower my energy level and minimize the chances of a manic state. This killed my interest in relationships and sex because I was too tired to care. 

Now that I am in a better mental health space I can look back at the lessons I have learned and be more accepting of myself. When in a relationship with someone who is struggling with their mental health it is important to know that it is a struggle. You may not know where they are in the process of finding what works. Walking with someone that is going through this process is less like a roller coaster and more like experiencing unexpected G-Forces on a Sunday stroll. Take care of yourself too.  

Lessons Learned

 I was scrolling through memories on a social media platform that takes up too much of my time some days, we all know that feeling,  when I stumbled across an old post. the post said, "So, as a kid my parents told me that talking about my good qualities to any extent was pride and, therefore, a sin. Even though I have severed any connection to the church, and the religion for that matter, I still cannot speak, or think, positively about myself without feeling highly uncomfortable. Sometimes even sick. This does not help when writing personal statement for grad school."  While grad school is long over and I am figuring out my career path I got to thinking about the things I learned as a kid and how they impact me today. 

Consider this lesson, to talk about my good qualities was considered pride. Not self confidence. Not positive self image. Pride. One of the seven deadly sins. To give some perspective here I grew up in a very confusing household. Both of my parents fell into the emotionally immature category. My mother was, and still is, very religious. My father, and still is, a very negative slur for low income country. Basically, I grew up in an environment with weaponized religion and toxic masculinity. The factors that lead to identity toxicity will be discussed in a later post.

In environments like this it is very common for people to think they can't do anything right. If I spoke highly about myself my mother would preach at me about sin or my dad would think I was challenging his role as "man of the house." Let's just say it was not a safe for a child to grow up. 

 Why am I writing about this? Because for many people in my region of the world, and in my generation, this kind of household was the norm. For the longest time I was a people pleaser in any relationship I was in. I was constantly in fear of the consequences for being myself or stating my opinions. For people pleaser it is very easy to fall into dysfunctional relationships. We are generally worried about regulating other peoples emotions and reactions which tends to leave us on less stable footing. It can be as serious as not being able to say "No," or "stop," when situations become uncomfortable. This can lead to the people pleaser feeling violated. 

What lessons had you learned over the years? How were these lessons taught? Do you still adhere to them?

Remaking Monday: Happiness

 It's confession time. I am 40 years old and have spent most of my life being unhappy. When I was a kid I thought I was unhappy because of my medical issues. As a teen I thought it was depression. In my twenties I thought I had to work for it. It wasn't until I read Happier, by Tal Ben-Shahar, that I started to see my problem. In his book, Ben-Shahar writes about the archetypes of happiness. They are the Rat Racer, the Hedonist, and the Nihilist. I will not discuss the fourth archetype because I believe everyone should read this book.

Each one has a different view on happiness. I, while have been all of them at some point in time, was predominantly a Rat Racer. Happiness was always a goal to be worked for but never really attained. This could be tied back to what I was taught about faith growing up. We are supposed to suffer in this life to be rewarded in the afterlife. 

While genuine happiness does require effort it also requires balance. Ben-Shahar writes about finding meaning and purpose in life as well as balancing present and future happiness. Happiness in general is not a constant feeling of elation. It is a conscious choice to find what makes you feel accomplished. 

 Being happy in a relationship is not just about being with someone that makes you feel alive. That is just chemistry. What kind of meaning does your relationship give your life?  Finding a relationship that motivates you to be a better person for your partner and yourself is just part of finding meaning.  In my personal opinion, I feel partners should want to bring out the best in each other. In thinking through my different times in my life I can see what happens when this criteria is not met. The relationship loses its spark and the relationship ends.

When it comes to relationships, I strongly encourage people to think about how the relationship will make them feel. Will it make you genuinely happy or just tingly for a moment? 

Terms and Conditions

 As promised in a previous post I said I would explain the lack of sadness about losing a friend to time and separation. The reason for this, I later learned, was due to the terms and conditions of our friendship. While I viewed him as a friend, to him I was a type of moped. This term reshaped how I viewed a lot of my 20's. For those of you that do not know, a moped is someone that is seen as not socially desirable that someone spends time with in secret. Traditionally, this is someone who is not seen as attractive but is good in bed. This term can also be extended to someone that cannot boost one's social status but they help you when asked. You still don't want to admit you know them, but you get something out of the relationship.

I was in my 30's when I realized this was the label that I fell under. I chose to live my life without regrets and that made people uncomfortable around me. Does this mean I was a moped to everyone? No. I had more true friends than people that saw me as a moped. This is probably why I took a step back in my 30's. Now in my 40's, just barely, I see my life a bit differently. My 20's were for making mistakes and trying new things. My 30's were for processing and learning the lessons from my 20's. In my 40's I am looking forward to growing from those lessons. 

I consider myself to be very fortunate. Given every mistake I made in my 20's I have come through with little more than a few bumps and bruises. I have never had an STI, never been abused, and have found myself in a position now to be a support system for others. I am reaching my goal. I just took the scenic route. 

Remaking Monday: Hygiene

The topic everyone needs but people do not often mention. What do you do if your junk has the funk?  First, everyone has there own smell. This is normal. there are still things to be aware of and pay attention to. The type of smell is very important. While working for a AIDS Services Organization I worked with people that gave sexual health presentations. Two of the slogans that came up were, "If it smells like cologne, leave it alone," and "If it smells like fish, it's a dish." First off.... Ew.

One of my colleagues at the time confessed that she did not like feeling unclean so she used scented products including lotions. For her this was a sign that she was taking care of herself. This got me thinking. Is the use of scented products a bad thing? Not really. It really depends on the kind of scented product and where it is used. If the scented product is coming from the genitals themselves this raises red flags for me. Many scented products are not designed for use there and can lead to irritation or infection. This could signify something being covered up or someone that does not know as much about hygiene as they think. Fragrance on the areas near, but not on, the genitals could just be that person's preference. Pay attention to if there is a smell under the fragrance to be safe. 

If there is an unpleasant odor, like fish,  this is a sign of trich. Trich is a parasitic infection that is treatable. 

Basic hygiene tip #1 - use gentle products on sensitive areas. Harsher chemicals can cause irritation and smells if you over do it.

Hygiene tip #2 - Pay attention. lack of information, or access to false information, are a true epidemic in society. if something makes you uncomfortable it is better to walk away. You don't owe anyone an explanation. 

Story Time: Friends and Enemas

 I should probably start by saying that I am not entirely sure how I became, "that person". You know who I am talking about. The person people go to with questions they are too afraid to ask their friends, but at the same time don't want to admit they know you. I had a "friend", who shall remain nameless, that sent me an email out of nowhere asking me about enemas. He wanted to know about their use and safety. Me, not realizing the downward trajectory of our friendship, was willing to look into the subject. 

Having never used one before, because I personally did not like the idea of them,  chose to ask a colleague of mine that was the nurse practitioner at the university clinic. I simply told her that a friend had asked me and I didn't have enough information. She informed me that often times enemas are used in preparation of anal sex. The overwhelming urge to say "duh" here was implied at the time. She went on to say that the body's processes of elimination generally do not need assistance like that. Unless a legitimate medical professional recommends their use because there is something not working in the system enemas can actually have detrimental effects.

Never mind the amount of time you will spend running to the toilet  waiting for the effect to stop, it is actually not a one and done type scenario for some people, the very act of repeated enemas can tell the muscles in the lower digestive tract to stop working as much. This would make it to where someone would need enemas because they used them too much. 

After emailing this information back to my "friend" we never really spoke again (the potential reason for this to be examined in another post). We have since gone our separate ways and I don't think either of us feel any lose about this fact.  It was how the universe wanted things to go. I guess the moral of this story, if it needs one, is friends come and go, but your body is here to stay. Take care of it.

Remaking Monday - Listening/Hearing vs listening/hearing

The idea of listening and hearing not being the same thing is not a new concept in the world. For the purposes of this post we are going to treat listening and hearing as synonymous but we will make a distinction between Listening/Hearing and listening/hearing. Listening/Hearing is active and utilizes engaged attention to the speaker. Its responses are validating and apropos. Lower case listening/hearing is something we can do on autopilot. The thoughts being conveyed to us become not much more than noise we are aware of, but not taking in. 

 From the first primitive grunts to the most eloquent soliloquies it can be easy to tell who is just hearing your voice versus listening to your needs. Even if their eyes don't glaze over during the conversation, the inevitable outcome of a superficial response makes it clear they heard you speak but didn't Hear you.

Charles Duhigg, author of Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, posited a thought that can be most beneficial for the more complicated interactions. He wrote about three possible responses to a partner/loved one in distress. They can be looking for practical solutions, emotional validation, or comfort. This can be summed up by the 3 "H"s (Helped, Heard, and Hugged). 

If a person is asking for Help then they may be seeking a practical solution they cannot find on their own.

If a person is seeking emotional validation they likely need to vent and be Heard. 

If a person is seeking comfort because there are not words or actions that can change anything then they need a Hug. 

This is so unbelievably simple  but can mean the world to the person in need. If you are not sure which "H" to utilize then ask, "Do you want to be helped, Heard, or Hugged?" This can show the person in need that you want to support them in the way that they need support in that moment.

The 2 "C"s: Consensual and Comfortable

 

Neurospicy: Intimacy and Neurodiversity

 Ah... After a very long nap I am picking up with a topic that I have been thinking about for some time. How does being neurodivergent impact a person's experience of intimacy? Let me first say that I have only recently identified myself as belonging to the Neurodivergent community. I had recently turned forty and have been shifting my career path towards private practice and starting asking questions. What does neurodiversity mean? What makes someone Neurodivergent? (You would think this would have been something discussed in my Master's program but it wasn't) What diagnoses make up the neurodivergent community? Are there other factors at play? And how does the divergence in the brain impact our ability to relate to others romantically? 

On the surface neurodiversity does not exclude people from romance and intimacy. It does, however, change a person's experience of them. Neurodiversity requires more than an understanding of love languages and toxic traits. It also has to do with translation into terms that those considered Neurotypical would understand. There are struggles with over-stimulation from emotions as well as physical sensation. Many people that belong to the neurodivergent community engage in masking which is often a misguided attempt to fit into a box they were not meant for. 

So let's examine these one piece at a time. Often times, members of this community have there own language. Not in terms of Spanish, French, or German but, when a person's brain operates a little off the beaten path their perception of the world is a little different. As a result, the way we communicate those observations will vary. Sometimes it may even be something we can communicate without words. Nonverbal communication is still a factor. It takes time and effort to understand what anyone is trying to communicate. So then why do so many people not try to understand the neurodiverse lexicon? 

 Over-stimulation during romantic and intimate moments is not often discussed. Depending on the cocktail of circumstances that makes a person neurodivergent it is completely possible to to get overwhelmed by sex. Too much skin on skin contact can be triggering for someone that is not used to it, or has been a victim of physical violence. The combination of physical stimulation and verbal communication can overwhelm a person's ability to stay in the moment. There are things that could help. Start with honest conversation. If skin on skin contact is too much then consider nitrile gloves like the ones used in hospitals. Look into sensation play and experiment with one toy at a time. If the sights and sounds prove to be too much for someone consider taking one of the senses away so they can ground in the others. A blindfold or silence could be viable options.

With neurodivergence being related to any combination of diagnoses, brain injury, or emotional trauma it becomes more important to be honest and open with your partners. Most importantly, it requires people to be open and honest with themselves.

Let me know if this topic is of interest to you. I can post resources and more thoughts at a later date.