It's confession time. I am 40 years old and have spent most of my life being unhappy. When I was a kid I thought I was unhappy because of my medical issues. As a teen I thought it was depression. In my twenties I thought I had to work for it. It wasn't until I read Happier, by Tal Ben-Shahar, that I started to see my problem. In his book, Ben-Shahar writes about the archetypes of happiness. They are the Rat Racer, the Hedonist, and the Nihilist. I will not discuss the fourth archetype because I believe everyone should read this book.
Each one has a different view on happiness. I, while have been all of them at some point in time, was predominantly a Rat Racer. Happiness was always a goal to be worked for but never really attained. This could be tied back to what I was taught about faith growing up. We are supposed to suffer in this life to be rewarded in the afterlife.
While genuine happiness does require effort it also requires balance. Ben-Shahar writes about finding meaning and purpose in life as well as balancing present and future happiness. Happiness in general is not a constant feeling of elation. It is a conscious choice to find what makes you feel accomplished.
Being happy in a relationship is not just about being with someone that makes you feel alive. That is just chemistry. What kind of meaning does your relationship give your life? Finding a relationship that motivates you to be a better person for your partner and yourself is just part of finding meaning. In my personal opinion, I feel partners should want to bring out the best in each other. In thinking through my different times in my life I can see what happens when this criteria is not met. The relationship loses its spark and the relationship ends.
When it comes to relationships, I strongly encourage people to think about how the relationship will make them feel. Will it make you genuinely happy or just tingly for a moment?
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